Lifestyle, Uncategorized

Love is a Decision, Not a Feeling!

redheart

Love is a Decision, Not a Feeling!

 

When someone says ‘my spouse doesn’t love me,’ what does he or she want?”

 

One can theorized that each of these unhappy people had a dominant mode for experiencing love and wanted to experience it in that particular way. He also realized that those modes of emotional expression fell into five categories:

 

  1. Words of Affirmation (To be verbally acknowledged)

 

  1. Quality Time (To enjoy companionship)

 

  1. Receiving Gifts (To be given tokens of love)

 

  1. Acts of Service (To have their partners do tasks for them)

 

  1. Physical Touch (To be in contact via the body)

 

For anyone who has had a “lost in translation” moment when it comes to love, the concept is almost instantly clarifying. Aha, you think to yourself, I finally get why he’s always digging for compliments, why I just want to hang out together, and why neither of us ever feels understood.

Initially, the challenge is determining the other person’s chief love language, and perhaps identifying a strong secondary preference. After all, who doesn’t like all five on some level: praise, companionship, getting presents, getting help with tasks, and a nice hug?

Finding the dominant language is key, though, and worth a bit of trial and error. If your main love language is Quality Time and your partner neither spends much time with you nor touches you much, you’ll miss the companionship a lot more than the touch. And if your partner simply begins to happily hang out with you, you’ll feel like the whole relationship is back on the rails, even without more hugging.

 

To figure out another person’s primary emotional language, try a three-step approach:

First, look at how your partner most often expresses love to you and others. By volunteering for tasks? Speaking kind words? Finding or making thoughtful presents?

 

Second, what does he or she complain about most often? “You’re always telling that story that makes me sound dumb!” — affirmation trouble. “Why can’t you feed the cat once in a while?” — service complaint.

 

Third, what does he or she request most often? “Couldn’t we get away for a while, just the two of us?” “Would you give me a back rub?”

 

The same goes for discovering your own major love language: how you mainly express love, what you complain about, what you request. You can also use the process of elimination. Ask yourself, “If I had to give up one, which would it be?” and go down the list until you’re left with the last one you’re willing to relinquish.

 

One’s primary language seems to remain roughly the same through life, first appearing around age 3 via love-me-this-way signals like “Look at what I can do, Mommy!” (a request for Words of Affirmation) or a delight in making and giving small gifts. In the big transition of the teenage years, however, the way a parent speaks the love language of a son or daughter may have to change, from hugs and trips to the ice-cream parlor to pats on the back and attendance at soccer games.

 

Of course, if receiving gifts means little to you, it may be difficult for you to shower another person with presents. But remember, that speaking a partner’s love language is an act of — what else? — love, which is an escape from selfishness and calculation of cost-benefit. And love freely given prompts love in return.

SPEAKING LOVE: THE FIVE LANGUAGES

  1. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

These are compliments and words of appreciation and encouragement directed at the other person. “You look so gorgeous in that blouse.” “I love how you’re always on time to pick me up.” “What a great daughter you are — helping your mom at your busiest time.” “You’ll make the business work — I know how determined you are.”

Words of Affirmation are not flattery designed to manipulate the other person. “The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love,” he notes. Words of Affirmation are true statements that you speak from the heart.

 

  1. QUALITY TIME

By ‘quality time’ it means giving someone your undivided attention. It doesn’t mean sitting on the couch and watching television together.  Quality Time is time spent in real connection with the other person, making eye contact, and practicing attentive listening to what he or she is saying.

 

When you sit with your partner and give her 20 minutes of my undivided attention, and they do the same for you, each of you are giving each other 20 minutes of life. We will never have those 20 minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful emotional communicator of love.

  1. RECEIVING GIFTS

In nearly every culture around the world, gift giving is part of the love-and-marriage process, and the most familiar symbols of this tradition are engagement and wedding rings. The wedded person whose primary love language is Receiving Gifts will often place a high value on his or her ring, perhaps never taking it off.

These gifts can be called “visual symbols of love,” and  emphasize that the monetary value of the present is rarely an issue. You can buy, find, or make something for your loved one; it’s the thoughtfulness, and the intention behind the gesture, that means the most.

  1. ACTS OF SERVICE

This love language is based in the nitty-gritty routines of daily life. Making beds, changing diapers, taking out the trash — they’re not the glamorous gestures of romantic love, but for the person whose primary language is Acts of Service, they’re the bedrock of committed, mature love.

 

In learning to speak this love language, stereotypes can get in the way. For heterosexual couples, either party may tacitly believe that domestic chores are “women’s work,” depriving male partners of the opportunity to show love by helping with those tasks. Similarly, fixing the furnace may fall into the (anachronistically) off-limits category for women. Same-sex couples can run into a version of this scenario: Those chores are your responsibility and these are mine. Keep these stereotypes in mind, since helping out, no matter the task at hand, speaks volumes to the Acts of Service person.

  1. PHYSICAL TOUCH

“A lot of men think their main love language is Physical Touch because of their desire for sex,” “But that could just be their testosterone talking. Sexual contact is an important part of Physical Touch, but touch probably isn’t [men’s] main love language unless they also like back rubs, holding hands, and being hugged as an affirmation.” And that’s the keynote here: Nonsexual touch is the prime conveyor of love for “native speakers” of this language, and its absence can almost feel like abandonment.

 

LEARNING A NEW LANGUAGE

Once we learn the main love language of our partners, lovers, friends, or children, we may be faced with resistance to “speaking” it for any number of reasons rooted in childhood traumas, buried resentments, or simple aversion.

Start with a simple and limited list of tasks you can do or help with. Make the most basic kind of card to give — maybe just a folded piece of paper with a heart on it and a simple declaration of love. Spend five minutes of quality time together and work up from there. Hold your partner’s hand on your evening walk. Sweep the kitchen floor.

 

Love is a decision, not a feeling

Making that decision daily, come what may, and supporting it imperfectly but sincerely, will help your relationships flourish.

 

Health and Wellness Associates

Archived

312-972-WELL

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Lifestyle, Uncategorized

7 Things Kids Need to See Their Mom Doing

7thingskidsmom

Seven Things Kids Need to See Their Mom Doing

 

From the moment that you hold your first perfect, wrinkly baby in your arms, the universe shifts and the title “Mom” is placed on your head like a very heavy crown.  Being a mom is a profound responsibility, not for the faint of heart.  Here are seven things that all children would benefit from seeing their mom doing.

 

  1. Expressing Love

There is too much hostility in the world, too much apathy and too much neglect. A mom has the gentle power to infuse her child with love and security, all with a simple hug, kiss, or soothing words.

 

So often I hear from my 2-year-old, “Hold you?”  Usually when I’m right in the middle of something.  My “In-a-minutes” add up until I’ve completely lost the opportunity to love my child.  Chores can wait, but kids won’t.  They will grow up and move on.  No child was ever harmed by a mother who expressed too much love.

 

  1. Doing What They Love

As a child, I remember perching myself up at the kitchen table, gazing star-struck at my mom who was speedily sewing me a new Easter dress.  To me, she was amazing, her abilities endless; I wanted to be just like her.

 

Becoming a mom can consume our time to the point where we stop doing the things we once loved.  Please don’t!  Playing the piano, painting, singing…the creative outlets are endless.  If you want your children to be passionate, creative little people, then they need to see you doing the things that you love to do.  Your example is powerful and you will be a star in their eyes.

 

  1. Being a Cheerleader

Thankfully, this doesn’t mean squeezing into a short skirt and exposing your midriff.  But it does mean waving those metaphorical pom-poms whenever you get the chance.

 

Kids need to know that their mom is their number one fan.  At soccer games, dance recitals, spelling bees, when kids see their moms on the first row, cheering them on, they may put up that, “I’m so embarrassed” front, but inside, they are ecstatic, relieved, and assured that mom’s got their back.  And that is nice to know.

 

  1. Going With Your Gut

Moms are blessed with a strong intuition when it comes to making decisions for the family.  Call it mama-bear instinct, but kids need to see mom making tough decisions based on her gut feelings, and standing by those intuitions.

 

Don’t feel right about a sleepover?  Make sure your child knows that the reason you said “No” was based on your instinct, and not your desire to be a “mean mom.”

 

 

 

  1. Loving Their Bodies

Women are far more sensitive about their body image than men, and moms who are constantly degrading their figures are teaching children the misconception that bodies should be perfect.  When your son or daughter sees you scrutinizing yourself in the mirror and vocalizing negativities about your body, they will internalize that.

 

Instead, love your body for what it can do…lifting your child on the playground, wrapping your arms around them in a tight hug.  Your confidence and example can teach both sons and daughters to be comfortable in the skin they are in.

 

  1. Praying for Them

Kids should know that we think about them constantly.  We worry about their safety, we hope for their success, and we yearn for their happiness.

 

It is more than okay to let children see you praying for them, to let them hear your concerns and your hopes for them.  Pouring your heart out will help them see just a glimpse of your infinite love for them.

 

  1. Letting Loose

Yes, being a mom is a huge responsibility.  There is always something to clean, something to fix, some errand that needs to be run.  But sometimes we get way too caught up in the duties of motherhood that we forget to have fun in the process.  Kids desperately need to see their moms letting loose, laughing, and having some fun.  Chores can wait, but the opportunities to play dress-up or Twister are fleeting.  Grab ahold of them!  After all, dads shouldn’t be the only ones to have fun.

Please Share with Family and Loved Ones

 

Health and Wellness Associates

Archived

P Carrothers

312-972-WELL

Lifestyle

A Good Marriage

marriage

The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved.

  • You get what you give. When you give better, you get better.
  • If you put your relationship in a win/lose situation, it will be a lose/lose situation.
  • Forget whether you’re right or wrong. The question is: Is what you’re doing working or not working?
  • There is no right or wrong way to fix a relationship. Find your own way that works. But recognize when it’s not working and be honest when it needs fixing.
  • Falling in love is not the same thing as being in love. Embrace the change and know that it takes work.
  • You don’t fix things by fixing your partner.
  • Intimacy is so important because it is when we let someone else enter our private world.
  • You don’t necessarily solve problems. You learn how to manage them.
  • Communicate. Make sure your sentences have verbs. Remember that only 7 percent of communication is verbal. Actions and non-verbal communication speak much louder.
  • You teach people how to treat you. You can renegotiate the rules.
Lifestyle

Online Dating Scams

onlinedating

Online Dating Scams: How to Tell If You Are Being Baited by a Catfish

It’s easy for some of the smartest people to lose all sight of common sense when they’re being reeled in by a catfish: an online imposter who tries to win your sympathy — and your love — by creating an elaborate scheme. Award-winning technology reporter Kurt Knutsson, known around the country as Kurt the CyberGuy, shares his top ten reality checks to see if you’re being baited by a catfish.

If you identify with at least two of the below scenarios, Knutsson says you could be falling prey to a scam artist.

1. Dumb Date Data
Physical descriptions need to be proportional. For example, someone who is 6-feet tall usually does not weigh 90 lbs. Look for any other descriptions that don’t add up to the profile photo.

Tip: Ask them to take a photo holding a unique phrase or their own name on it and send it to you. Ask to have a live video talk using Skype or Facetime. Most of today’s smartphones, tablets and laptops come equipped with a built-in camera and/or video. Someone reluctant to speak on live video, claiming shyness or that they can’t find a camera, should be a red flag.

2. Profile Picture Test
Professional photos are a red flag. Look for amateur photos — and more than one. Tip: Use a Google Goggles search on your phone to see if the photo they’ve shared with you can be spotted elsewhere online. If you see it shown with a watermark or in other settings like modeling websites, it’s likely a fake.

3. Become a Photo Detective
“This just takes it to the next level,” Knutsson says. Look for detail in photos — wedding rings, locations, activities, time of day, how they are dressed — to see if it matches. Someone claiming that a photo is from a July 4th fireworks party, who is dressed in a fur coat, in daylight, might be a dead giveaway that someone is lying.

Tip: Using a free inspection service that shows the location and time that a photo was originally taken can shed light on a photo liar.

4. Cut and Paste Profile Alert
Introductory letters on dating websites are often copied by catfish scammers. See if the same information appears in other places or has been copied from someone else by searching for it online. Out-of-country scams often slip up here, revealing inconsistent information such as landmarks and cultural events that don’t add up. For example, someone claiming to be from St. Louis who isn’t familiar with the iconic Gateway Arch when questioned is likely a liar.

5. Spelling and Grammar Fail

Hear the words when you read their writing, and check their spelling and grammar. A line that sounds like it could be from someone in a far-off country but portraying themselves to be in your same city will usually have a local dialect misfire.

Real:
“I just love the Macy’s Day Parade in the city.”
Foreign Faker: “I just love the Masey’s Daytime Parades in the cities.”

6. Derailing You from the Dating Site
Red flags should be raised if, right off the bat, they want to get you to instant message or email, taking you off of the dating site where you originally met.

Tip: Always create and use a unique email address that is different than your personal and professional addresses when setting up a dating website profile.

7. Too Serious, Too Soon
Watch out for someone rushing things. A catfish usually makes the first move, often out of left field and sometimes creates a bogus, dreamy profile that sounds like the ideal mate you’ve described in your own dating desires. They play on your sympathy and strike when you are the most vulnerable — caught up in the romance and emotional.

8. Ask a Lot of Questions
Inquire about where they are from, and verify landmarks and spellings of cities online. Blatant errors could mean it’s a scam. Catfishers like to ask you a lot of questions, but seldom let you go deep into their lives, coming up with excuses about why they are reluctant to offer more personal information about themselves. For example, they might say, “I’ve been hurt before by telling too much too soon,” which actually turns the tables on you to prove that you can be trusted — Red flag!

9. You Are Not an ATM Machine
If they ask for money, lock them out of your life. Shut off communication immediately, and close all open doors if you have a hint that it is a sympathy scam. Although most catfishers are not after money, this one should be a wake-up call to a scam.

10. Facebook Fakers
At this point, if someone has no Facebook page, but they are sophisticated enough to create an online dating profile, be warned. Also look out for potential fake Facebook pages.

Signs of a fake Facebook profile can include the fact that the Facebook page was started near the same time that a dating profile elsewhere was established, if few photos are posted, or if there are no people tagged in their photos to show a connection in a relationship.

If they are on Twitter, read through historic tweets to see if the story they tell matches up to the same the person you are prospectively dating. Like Facebook, Twitter accounts created around the same time as dating profiles should be treated with caution.